Starting in January of 1999, I was completely single–not even a date–for about a decade. Happily so for most of that time. Many people don’t understand how this can be possible, but the fact is, I am comfortable and happy being single. I don’t seek out relationships or flings or, well, anything. I don’t need anyone to complete me or coddle me or play into my pop-culture induced romantic fantasies. I’m complete and stable all by myself.
Well, that’s not exactly accurate. I’m complete and stable partially because of the network of awesome friends I’ve gathered around and that I’m lucky enough to continue running in to.
Yes, I fall for people all the time. Fast and hard. Most of the time it’s a very passing thing. (See any of my “Metro Crush” posts.) Rarely am I moved to bother spoiling the perfection of those brief, imagined, possibilities.
When I am inspired to take the leap and begin gathering actual information so I can bring fantasy and reality together, there’s usually a darn good reason. I don’t always know what it is when I start, but I can usually figure it out along the way. Also along the way, I usually figure out that romance is a bad idea and instead focus on the friendship.
Some would consider this “trading down” or “settling” for something less than what I want.
Purity of Purpose
What they don’t realize is that Friendship–real Friendship–is one of the most pure Love there’s ever been among humans. There aren’t the complications of romance, the implied obligations of family, or the negative aspects of a hierarchical relationship (employer-employee, king-subject).
Love is one of the most misunderstood things we deal with all the time. It’s confused with Romance. It’s abused by manipulators. It’s poisoned by guilt and bad habits and weaknesses. Too often we see it as a binary choice: Love or Hate (or, more accurately, Love or Apathy… because Hate shares a whole lot in common with Love). Too often we see it as a limited resource.
And too often we think we can lose something because of Love.
The truth is Love is a powerful and durable thing. It comes in different flavors and intensities. But most importantly, it is an infinite resource.
We love nothing by Loving others.
In fact, it’s one of the few things in the Universe that only gets stronger and more potent the more it’s spread out.
So, yes, I fall fast and hard and it usually sputters right on out. But when I Love, I do so fully and without conditions.
And that… that is the basis for all of my Friendships.
Anything else is just pleasant additions.
Addendum
Most of the above was written about 8 months ago in an e-mail to a very dear and close friend. It echoes a lot that I’ve said for years. Since then, a lot has changed in my life, but all of those words, thoughts, and patterns still hold true. In just about every case.
Except now I’ve been reminded that there is an exception to all the rules. That exception is when you do finally find The One. It’s kind of an unusual thing that exists outside of the normal set of rules. It’s also kind of rare and definitely disorienting.
It doesn’t change the ability to enjoy being single, but it does make the prospect slightly less appealing.
Even when you can stand alone, doesn’t mean you don’t fall sometimes… and it most certainly doesn’t mean there aren’t times when you want to fall.
