When things get bad in our lives, it’s common to seek distractions.
If our school life is bad, we dive into recreational activities. If our home life is bad, we focus more on friends or school. If our relationships are bad… well, we do whatever we can to not address them.
Crushes are prime candidates for distractions during relationship problems. They give us a chance to explore venues we can’t otherwise explore. They allow us a variety to break up the monotony.
The thing is, a little distraction is OK, but too much becomes problematic. Quickly.
If a regular crush during a bad relationship turns into a Destructive Crush, that primary relationship is fast on its way to a firey death. Everyone’s probably going to get hurt in this scenario.
If you act on the urges of your crush while in a relationship, you’re going to end up cheating on your partner. Rarely (if ever) is that a good thing. Just think how you’d feel if the tables were turned.
But, such distractions aren’t always a bad thing. If you can avoid the temptation to dive fully into your fantasy world and elevate your crush (or crushes) to Grown-up Crush territory, they can be used as a lense to view your current relationship.
Are you fantasizing about the star athlete? Is it just looks that have drawn you in or is it his penchant for activity? Do you crave more action or activity from your partner? Do you feel you need motivation to be more active?
Maybe it’s that nice checkout girl you deal with every week or so at the supermarket. Sure she’s cute, but what is it really that makes her stick in your head? Is it the cheery demeanor? Maybe a shared hobby accidentally discovered? Have you or your partner been going through individual tough times? Are either of you in need to some light conversation or a chance to explore individual hobbies more?
It all comes down to being able to step out of the blinders we often put on when we get involved in a monogamous relationship. Both parties compromise. It’s not always clear early on that some things can’t be compromised on. More often, one partner will grow at a different rate than the other, eventually becoming, for all intents and purposes, a different person.
We try with all our might to hang on to whatever relationship we’re in–no matter how bad it is. It’s a dual problem of inertia and social pressure. If things aren’t that bad (no abuse or obvious major conflicts of interest), the third prong of the trident that has you pinned is fear–fear that you won’t find anything better; fear that, by moving on, you’re admitting you wasted however much time you’ve put into the relationship you’re in.
Crushes are ephemeral things. Mostly, they speak to deficiencies we see in ourselves (holes we want to fill) or others (rough spots we’d like to see polished off).
Actual relationships are only slightly less ephemeral.
There’s always another one right around the corner.
Do what’s right for you. Do what’s right for both people in the relationship. Communicate and, if necessary, move on. During the process, you may find out a whole lot more about both people involved.
