Every time we head out into public, we put on a mask of sorts.
As we interact with different people throughout the day, we may change masks.
Many people do this without even realizing it. They’ve learned though experience that behaving differently in different situations can really help you get what you want and need.
For example, if I know I’m going to be dealing with a very conservative person, I’d steer clear of hot-button subjects like gay marriage (unless that was the whole point of the interaction, of course). Knowing in advance, I’d choose my clothing appropriately and carry myself in as conservative a way as possible.
That builds a bit of congruence between me and the other person. It puts them at ease and allows the interaction to proceed more smoothly.
I do all of that fully aware of what I’m doing because I’ve spent years learning to be aware of my actions and how I modify them based on the situation. Most people out there switch masks without thinking about it.
Bringing those changes into the conscious realm is another part of transforming a regular crush into a Grown Up Crush.
How does that work?
When we fall for someone, we begin to dress up our mental images of them. We imagine how they’re going to act and react. We put ourselves in fantasy situations and (usually) come out the hero in them. Like the masks we change into in our day to day interactions, we do most of it without thinking. If we take conscious control of those imaginings–if we realize just how much we’re manipulating the fantasy–we can better understand it.
If we take control of the masks we dress our crushes up in, we can eventually begin to incorporate more variety into our fantasies. Using our own knowledge of how we react to situations and our observations of how other people react to situations, we can test ourselves.
Yes, that takes some of the fun out of the fantasy. It brings in a reality that is lacking in a regular crush. But it’s that infusion of reality that lets us learn about ourselves. Those imaginings become more thought experiments or simulations of possible interactions.
If we take the step and actually get to know our crush, we can incorporate what we know of his or her actions and reactions into our thought experiments. Through that kind of work, we can better figure if a romantic relationship would work or, as is more often than not the case, you make better friends than lovers.
Of course, even the best thought experiment has flaws. It takes years of practice and experimentation to eliminate even a portion of biases that creep in. All too often in the beginning you’ll find false positives.
But there will also be those glorious false negatives! Those times when we imagine the worst instead of the positive reality. Those are the times our own masks get in the way of our vision.
And the only way to figure that out is to make that final leap, take off the mask of objectivity, and dive in to reality full on, for better or worse.
At the absolute least, you end up with a good story to tell–and a lot more knowledge of what you are capable of.
